It's been far too long since I've published a blog posting. It's not that I haven't been working on it - I have a whole folder of drafts and ideas. Yet, none of them are "ready" yet. I have some really exciting ideas coming up; Lord, willing, you'll get to share in them soon enough. However, an event - small and minuscule - occurred yesterday which has forced me to really evaluate the current status of my heart and attitude. I share it with you now.
Recipe for Conviction
Candace and I were sitting in lecture yesterday morning for Anatomy and Physiology. As Candace glanced at my notes she innocently remarked to me that one of my diagrams was incorrect (by the way, Art 101 should be a prerequisite for Anatomy - we draw a lot). My defenses immediately sprung into action. In a hushed but fervent whisper in competition with the Professor continuing on in the front of the room, I laid out a thorough explanation of my drawing. Candace, surprised and taken back, gently responded, "You don't take correction very well, do you?...You don't have to always be right...and by the way, the Professor then redrew and corrected her diagram."
I was wrong but without admittance we both offered muted smiles. The issue was dropped. Yet, my pride still stood. Granted, I did have a slight moment of softening, twinged with guilt for my harsh response, all unbeknown to Candace, however.
Layer 2
Hours later, during our commute home...amidst rush hour traffic, Candace made what should have been interpreted as a fun, frivolous quip to me about something insignificant (so trivial I can't even remember the nature of it a day later - Candace probably can, though; she's talented that way :) ). However, I harshly reacted. My defenses were in full regalia once again. I believe my patient and far more gracious than myself wife began to notice a pattern with me and my reactions to her. She simply informed me that she would no longer be joking with me like she had. (Of course - after losing several appendages, why offer up another limb as sacrifice for me to "bite off" with my words?)
Layer 3
Now we're putting the cherry on top of the Sundae, for by this point, I had already created a sticky, ooey-gooey mess of syrup and sauces. We were in bed for the evening, winding down with our favorite show "The Biggest Loser."
Now for the full significance of this, let me explain to you a little bit about my idiosyncrasies. I sing and hum incessantly. As a courtesy to those around me - okay, most - around me who don't necessarily appreciate it or finding it highly annoying, I try to keep it to a minimum. I always have a song in my head even if I'm not expressing it. In response to every commercial jingle that comes my way, I'm harmonizing to it.
As we sat there according to our usual post-Wednesday-school routine, I started to hummonize the commercial. Candace said my name in a way that expressed, "Would you please not do that right now?!" I stopped and said nothing - for the moment. In what I now understand and interpret as her trying to assure me of her love and offer her appreciation yet sympathy for asking me to stop something so intrinsic to me, she leaned over to give me a kiss....got your cherry ready, yet?
I barked at her as I refused her kiss, "You think you can yell at me [an emotional overstatement] and then just try to kiss me?!" Obviously, I was wrong here. My wife simply stopped and expressed something to the effect that she was done - not for good, not giving up, but was no longer going to continue interacting with me in the state I was in.
That's it. It wasn't the worst day in history. There were no tearful pleadings before one another or even the Lord. In fact, my wife, resilient as she is, is sitting beside me on the couch, her pleasant self, as usual. She's so wonderful that way. The difference is, however, that my God has gotten my attention through the patient endurance of my wife.
I have allowed an attitude of pride to consume my heart. I don't know why; slowly, over time, however, it has sieged my soul. (I do have some ideas why, though, but that's another blog). I don't have to be right all of the time. I need to receive correction or constructive criticism from my wife with grace and and open mind. She is not out "to get me"; in fact, her deepest desire is to help me in all things as my "help meet." Then, why do I act as though I don't need her help and shut her out, preventing her from being who God has created her to be as my wife? Pride. It starts with my receptivity to the Lord and translates into my home with the most intimate of relationships.
Honey (I know you'll read this), I apologize for my harshness and insensitivity. You only have my best interest at heart. I thank you for your undying faithfulness and devotion to me, through thick and thin, the pleasant and the painful. In the Lord's strength I desire to be more receptive to you. I want to be the gentle, understanding leader of our home that Christ has created me to be. Christ, Himself, as my example, was a servant to all. In all I do, I want to serve you. Thank you for marrying me. Ups and downs, I know we'd both do it all again. I love you.
To my readers, I share this most intimate conviction of mine to encourage you. We all get slack in how we hold and carry ourselves in regards to others, particularly those within the same walls, day in and day out. You're struggles look different than mine do. Yet the solution for both of us rests in the power and person of our Lord, Jesus Christ. In dying to ourselves, He reigns in life through us. I am praying for you, as well as myself, that we would allow Him to be formed in us, shining through to all who need Him so desperately, first and foremost in our relationships that matter the most - at home, our family, our spouses, our siblings, our parents, our children.
"Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man." - Col. 3:6
"Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves" - Phil. 2:3
